Trying to get caught up, illness trying to get the best of me.

What's even better than being away and trying to catch up on all the stuff that should have been done before I left as well as all of my current duties/work? Getting sick and trying to catch up with said duties/tasks/responsibilities. Not like a cold sick, but have a lovely case of the flu, complete with nausea (etc.), fever, exhaustion, and an incredibly fuzzy head. You know the fuzzy head feeling you get when you start to get/are sick? Not so much fun. Also, not being able to eat much has also greatly hindered my productivity.

I felt great on Friday – did a bunch of errands including hand-washing my car. Ambitious, yes. By about 9pm on Friday I felt horrible again. Yesterday I didn't feel great either. Today, not sure if I have a fever, but unless my apartment is actually less than 55 degrees, which is not likely, I probably have a fever. And the nausea is back in full force. Back to pretzels, applesauce and vernors. Oh and popsicles. Full of nutrients, I know. I just can't handle much else right now. The bright spot – I lost all of the weight I gained in B'ham and New Orleans!

Also, I have some wacky rental insurance issues – they are cancelling my policy for some unknown reason. And of course, business hours are only between 8 -4pm M-F. And my PayPal account was hacked into, leaving me minus $700. Luckily the case was resolved today (yay for PayPal working weekends!) and I have my money back. Was able to read an article yesterday. Not much, but it is something. Going to try to read a couple more, integrate some of the research into my dissertation, and grade papers which I promised my students I would have graded by tomorrow. Wouldn't be a huge deal, except that I decided to let them redo their papers if they wanted a higher grade. Thus, I need to give them time to do that, and the semester is almost over. Yeah, that's biting me in the ass now. So if I don't complete them on time, they are going to be mad that there is not enough time to revise them. If I hadn't offered that opportunity, they wouldn't care if they ever got their papers back, just so long as their grades are posted on the website. Oh well, I have this conscious when it comes to teaching; I have a need to go beyond what is required and I have to do the best job I can, regardless if it causes me stress. Even though these extra things that I do rarely end up in the student evaluations, I feel guilty if I don't do everything I can realistically do to make it a good class, to give students an opportunity to succeed without being too lenient with grading.

I should really get back to work on my dissertation, at least for a couple of hours. And should try to grade at least 1/3 of the papers today. Those are my goals. Also, I'm hoping to eat some "real" food today too, but unfortunately it doesn't appear that this will happen today.

Been trying to catch up…

After a fantastic time in New Orleans last week, I'm trying to catch up on all the stuff I should have done before I left, as well as the stuff I should be doing currently. I'm not on top of stuff. Shocking, I know. Funny that I can say that about myself, but can't stand to hear it from other people. And I've been hearing it from other people quite frequently lately.

Haven't been feeling well either; actually felt pretty well all day but starting to feel bad again. I hope I feel better tomorrow – I've got to teach and do more work.
Sorry this is not a remotely interesting post. Figured I'd just let people know I'm alive.

Another Tuesday night…

Yes, meeting is tomorrow. I'm supposed to have a 2-3 page intro of my dissertation done. Not a big deal, right? I can get it done in a couple of hours, right? Well….

I've had the last 2 weeks to do this. It's not very long, not very difficult to write (or so it seems), yet I have a block that I'm having trouble getting past. Again. I was doing ok earlier; just writing however it was in my head without trying to make it sound good. I can fix it later once I've got everything down – I can edit and rearrange. I need to plan on doing it half-assed/barely acceptable. Usually once I get to that point I'll feel the need to refine it.

Seriously, I'm ridiculous. I'm in my office now and have been for about an hour. I said I'd send it to my advisor sometime today. I'm striving for 11:59pm at this point. *sigh*

A day in the life of a dissertator…

A hypothetical (or is it?) scenario:

[Imagine thought bubble above head]: "Tag on shirt is scratchy. I should change, I want to be more comfortable when I work". *Goes to bedroom and finds shirt without itchy tag* "That's better".

"Wow, is my room a disaster! Ya know, that's going to bug me while I'm working, to know that my room is this messy. I'll clean up a little". *Changes sheets on bed, picks up shoes and clothing off of floor, dusts, swiffers floor, come up with new organization of items in dresser, alphabetizes perfume bottles.* "Ok, that is much better".

Wow, that took a long time. I'd better get back to work." *Goes back and sits down at table*. "Should really check email. And facebook, of course. Need to know what is going on". *3 hrs later after checking the news, friendstock, mafia wars, lil green patch, lil blue cove, playing word challenge, playing tetris, back to friendstock to get more tokens and boost, back to mafia wars again to rob a pimp…*

"Ok, seriously now, I must work on the dissertation". *Stomach grumbles* "Damn, I'm really hungry. I can't work without food. Food is fuel, after all. Need energy to work. And I've always wanted to make a soufflé…"

Ah, productivity at its finest.

Excuse or explanation?

I haven't gotten a chance to work on my dissertation at all this week. I've been sick, and then I had outlines to grade. My great aunt passed away. I cancelled my meeting with my advisor because I hadn't gotten a chance to work on it. He responded by telling me to set some concrete goals to share with him. Not sure what to tell my advisor; just that I'm doing what I can do right now? That I've been trying to work on it every day and that's the best I can do? I've not made much measurable progress (not that I could show anyone anyway – random scribbles, lit review outlinish thing) but I feel like I can actually work on it. Not much, but I can.

I feel like everything is an excuse. That my concentration sucks, my great-aunt died (not especially close to her, but still made me sad), I had outlines to grade, that I'm not sleeping/eating well, that dissertation scares me, that I don't believe that I'll ever finish it. It is hard to admit to myself that I'm not doing as well as I should be. Telling other is even harder.

It sounds like I've got a lot of issues – which I do. I don't think this is what he had in mind when taking me on as an advisee. I know this is not what I had in mind.

can you guess which kitten i would be?

more animals

I, uh…um…can’t explain that

That's not something a teacher should say whilst teaching. Not for something that is in the book, that is on the freaking exam review, that I know and prepared for. I ended up letting my second class out 25 minutes early because I simply couldn't do my job. Yeah, I can have a bad day. This was much more than a bad day. Considering my students work full-time and go to school, have families, etc. I at the very least could do my job well.

The culprit? Probably lack of food. I woke up late and scurried to school and worked all day, then taught. It wasn't until one of my students asked me what I ate earlier until I realized that I hadn't had anything but a couple of chocolate heart left over for valentines day. That's it. I forgot to eat. All day. I didn't feel hungry at all. Didn't even have brain fatigue…it just stopped working.

Geez.