kommunikashun

is good.

the power of culture....

I've been back from Germany for about a month and a half now. The adjustment to living there took time. Surprisingly, so did the adjustment to coming back to the US.

It wasn't driving, or not walking everywhere that was hard to re-adjust to (although it was weird for a week or so). It was the changes in myself.

I came back from Germany a new person; with a new body (+20 lbs) and seemingly a new personality. I'm getting used to both right now. Not understanding the local language quiets even the most boisterous extrovert. Not to mention dampening my sense of humor...really hard to crack jokes in German if you don't actually speak, write or understand German.

Plus I've come back to a huge stack of medical bills...and an insurance company in which dropped me because I was "ineligible for coverage". They didn't determine that until I submitted a claim. Turns out I'm short one credit hour...and always have been! They never checked my enrollment, but issued me a new insurance card anyway. I'm gonna get a lawyer...if I can afford one. And I'm currently unemployed with no prospects on the horizon. *sigh*

I guess life could be a little (or a lot) easier right now. However, I'm with an amazing guy who makes everyday just a little bit easier...and a lot happier.

hiding...somewhere

Back to writing, back to...painting? I did every once in a blue moon before I moved. I found my painting stuff and had at it with my watercolors.

I am not an artist, nor do I claim to be, but there is something inherent in me that just paints...not thinking. I like that, being confident in what I'm doing, knowing that no one else will see the painting, so I can do what i like; that it is MY creation. I paint what i feel, so it's usually pretty abstract.

Painting can bring up emotions. I started just having a little fun, not really painting much of anything. Suddenly I became overcame with tears. Not like a few...but wrenching, sobbing, scare the neighbors type crying. Why?

I think painting was an escape valve for my emotions. In Germany, I became a "stuffer"; someone that does not show her emotions. This is very much unlike me but it is an example of how powerful culture is in shaping our behavior.

When I was in Germany, a number of things happened. The most difficult, however, was the loss of a good friend from college; someone who I saw daily. We had lost touch, but that didn't minimize the hurt of losing her. Sure, I tried a little at times, but always having roommates and not wanting anyone to see me upset, I swallowed the lump in my throat and went on with my day.

I've not really given myself the chance to fully grieve her loss. I was not able to attend her funeral or her memorial service. I did write a letter to her family and visited her grave....but I haven't really felt it for more than a few minutes at a time, then everything would shut off. My grief has been like a faucet that automatically shuts off...like my brain is like, "Ok, 2 minutes is enough. No more".

I forgot how much I missed her until today. I haven't thought of her in a long time. I haven't wanted to...I can't think about her without bringing up the anger I have. She was only 30. IT IS NOT FUCKING FAIR.

I try to think about what a wonderful person she was, how inspiring she was. But I can't seem to get over the "was". Not "is", but "was". It's been over 3 months, but today it feels fresh, like it happened yesterday.

I love and miss you, dear friend. This colorful, abstract, nonsensical watercolor is for you <3