i made it...

Spent all day at school, went to dinner & hung out w/bf. Meeting w/advisor was not embarassing (conference behavior was not mentioned), but i thought i had a topic and then i didn't. I thought i had a great idea, but not really doable, i guess, with the manipulation. He wants things theory-based, while i come up with things out of my ass. More interesting that way.

I don't want to do what other researchers didn't do, I want to answer my own research questions. I do want to get started on my dissertation, but I know that the actual data collection and analysis will really suck. Need so many participants, need at least 3 confederates, one at a time. I feel like it will take me until 2012 to finish data collection and then if i actually finish collecting, it will take me another year to analyze it.

Don't get me wrong, it would be a great study and probably get published. But i don't want to spend a year collecting data. I don't really have a year to do that - i want to be done in August 2009. that's next summer.

feeling shizzy

oh, the fun of having the flu. I'm totally quarantined in my apartment. I totally want to get out, but 1) i don't want to spread my germs and 2) I actually don't feel up to it. Strangely, i did yesterday, although i had a fever and i don't now. And to quote my (also sick) bf, "sicky is icky".

Meeting with advisor is tomorrow. Don't want him to think I'm dodging him. Want to face him, well face-to-face, to deal with the conference thing as well as present what i'm thinking. I'm currently not done with the thinking though :)

Got another bill from the hospital. Still over $3,700. ick.

Insight

Change in my life is necessary. I'm afraid of growing up, getting a job, etc. So i've been mediocre at best at the things I've been doing. Hiding out in my apartment instead of doing work, etc.

While I've felt that I needed to "find myself" in the last couple of months, now i just think that I'm lost. Where is that determined, passionate, strong, and independent girl that I once was? I used to be those things, and i've forgotten i can be these things again. I really need to find her. I need to care more about school. I need to become more independent emotionally. I am totally dependent upon others to help me feel better.

I'm unhappy with myself. I've lost respect for myself. I need to gain that back before I others will respect me again. I've felt more at peace now that all of this has happened. I know what i need to do - go forward, not try to relive the past. I do need to grow up, and I need to prove that growing up is not boring. I can't stay here scared. Fear is stopping me, especially academically. If I'm going to be scared, I need to keep moving on while being scared. I need to realize that I CAN DO THIS. I've done things before that no one thought i could. Now that people think I can, I worry that I can't live up to their expectations. So I haven't been trying. I need to try.

Life? I have no life...

Yes, I created this blog 2 days ago, yet this is my 6th posting. Fantabulous.

Went for a run tonight. Ended up going almost 7 miles - groovy (wait, why did I write groovy? ). Had to make myself stop, felt so good. Then when I stopped, my lower body apparently just realized that it had just run 7 miles and freaked out. Seriously, i was pain free running, after switch to walking - serious pain. Doing better now, pain-wise.

Running was probably the best part of my day...I actually felt happy, strong, and in control. That's why I do it...among other reasons. I push myself on my crappiest days because I need it more. I need to run hard, long or both to prove that I can accomplish something. Or that I just can run like a zombie, thinking about nothing.

hopefully later today will be better. Yay for basketball.

2pm meeting

that i'm not remotely prepared for. Instead, i am rooted to my couch, doing anything but work on my dissertation idea. Must not put this off another 2 weeks - i'll feel bad all weekend. and it will be another excuse...I hate people that constantly make excuses.

The work is not that bad; its all in how you think about it. Must actually take a look at it first. That's generally the first step. Must think i can do this - its not too bad. I just don't want to look stupid. But i also don't want to frustrate my advisor. He's been patient, but seriously, i haven't made much progress on my disseration. Gah!

Change...

Do I want change, or do i fear it? In other words, do i want to keep my hair long, or chop it. that is the question...I like the length b/c its easy to take care of, i can pull it off my face when i run, and it looks nice. Chopping it would get the weight of it off of my head; my ponytail sometimes pulls too much on my hair. And it would be something i could change RIGHT NOW, something i can control right now. Would it translate into making other changes in my life?

ok, ok, stay calm

Not doing that very well right now. totally avoiding the thought of dissertation. Have eaten so much crap today, I've probably gained 5 lbs. On 2nd little bag of cheetos. Don't know what to do. ok, i know exactly what to do; it just makes me too nervous to do it.

Also, there is a great deal of uncertainty in my life right now. I can't think of anything that I'm absolutely 100% certain of. Nothing. That's scary as hell. Not one thing. I could view it as exciting (if i were an optimist) and an opportunity. But right now, i just feel like I'm aimlessly floating around, going in no particular direction. Little things, big things, it doesn't matter. I'm unsure about what to do. Sometimes it makes me want to jump back into bed...although I'd get really bored :) i generally need to do something more active, like run. Currently watching Scrubs - not exactly motivating me to do anything else. I should go to my office, starbucks, borders. Anything but sit here and eat cheetos. It's pathetic.

i always hated people with endless excuses. Coworkers, teammates, students. Excuses, excuses, excuses. Now i feel like I'm one of those people - trying to explain mediocre work all of the time. I need to focus, get into stuff. it works better that way; if i can shake off this insecurity and anxiety. But for now at least, more cheetos. Yum.

First post...living up to my username

Procrastinating of course. I should be working on my disseration right now. I've got a meeting tomorrow and need to do a lot of work before that. I'm always afraid that i won't live up to expectations, so i leave everything last minute. After 5 years in grad school, you'd think i'd get it together, but no.

So, instead of working on said dissertation, i'm writing this entry (duh), watching an ANTM marathon (yeah, you can laugh), and eating compulsively. It's also almost 5:30pm. I tend not to do work at night, so....yeah.

I just need to get over this and do it; not think about it too much. I know i'll feel better if i do, but i guess i have a need to torture myself.

about me post coming soon...