A plan and a little hope.

I’ve still been discouraged and disappointed in myself. I'm really trying to drown out the naysayers (me) and get on with it. Actually, I can use my dissertation to distract myself from some of the not-so-positive things going on in life. Not sure if that will ultimately be effective, but it is worth a shot. Any mind trick that I can use to get myself to work more on my dissertation is a good thing.

I need to come up with some specific deadlines. I think that the end of this week I should have a revised chapter 1, and perhaps the middle of next week I should have a revised version of chapter 2. I do feel that chapter 3 is the most important piece of the puzzle, and I can continue to work on that, but I see the other chapters as more doable. Perhaps I could even have the next draft of Chapter 1 done today. I only have some (seemingly) minor edits to make.

I'm so not the optimistic cheerleader type, but I'm trying to to pump myself up about this! I have an opportunity to get things done, to make a great accomplishment and contribute a paper that is mine and mine alone. I can do this! Just a little bit (or a little bit more) every day will help my dreams become a reality. I need to do this.

Discouraged

I'd had some really good days last week on the dissertation. Not always getting as much done as I would have wanted, but still making progress (however small). Today, I'm having a really tough time getting going (which happens and I try to push through it). However, I'm feeling completely discouraged about the whole thing. I'm highly disappointed at where I am in the dissertation process. I haven't even proposed it yet, and it has been years since I passed my comprehensive exams. I've been spinning my wheels for years and cannot shake the guilt from that. I'm finding it really difficult to believe that it will ever get done.

I've got this summer to get the proposal in tip-top shape and ready to propose. Some days, it doesn't sound so daunting. Other days, it seems like climbing Mt Everest would be easier. Today is a Mt Everest day. The whole thing is a major disaster, but what is most bothering me is the progress I should have made in the past few years. I know I need to let that go. I need to let it go to be effective, to stop it from dragging me down. Lately, every time I work on it, I have a tremendous amount of guilt from all of the things I haven't done...and all of the things my classmates have done. I am happy for them - but many of them have started years after me, and I am ashamed of my own lack of progress.

If I don't make enough progress this summer, it might be the end of the road for me. That has motivated me at times, specifically last week. Today it is weighing me down. I need to remember that I finished my thesis and passed comps and I wasn't especially confident I would be successful at either. Neither accomplishment was pretty, but I finished it. This dissertation process is not ugly, grotesque even, but I'm hoping to finish it. I just need to find my mojo and some self-efficacy. Anyone have any to spare?

The first post of May!

I apologize for being a little (or a lot) lax on posting. Just not much was going on yet I was somewhat busy.

Well I woke up far to early (for me anyhow) at 5:30 am and had this bright idea to work on the dissertation. I figured that it *is* the first day of work study and thus I should begin working. I just presumed that I would start working a little later, but whatever.

Anyhow, I started my day using http://www.750words.com. I've been using it for awhile, 10 days or so, and it is a good way to get started writing (i.e. mind dump). It can be anything you want it to be - the goal is to write 750 words every day. I've found it surprisingly easy and definitely gets me in the writing mood. It definitely helped today, I went right from there into my dissertation. And I spent a good 3 hours working. Not just 3 hours. A GOOD 3 hours. A productive 3 hours. Any dissertation writer knows that you can spend many hours working on a dissertation, yet not get much accomplished. This was a good day!

Hoping more good days to follow! I might start waking up a bit earlier just to get going. It seemed easier just starting off the day like that - right from bed, no breakfast, still in pjs, just writing. Perhaps I could become a morning person?

Motivation: shame and excitement

I just got back from a conference yesterday (was actually supposed to be Sunday, but I'll get into that later). It was great to see old friends, make new friends, and learn a few things. But the biggest thing I got out of the conference in motivation to finish my dissertation.

There were people that were attempting to motivate me say the usual, "You're almost done", "Just get it done!", "When will you be done" and "Wait, you aren't finished yet?" Let's just say shame is not the best motivator for me and I had a hard time constantly dealing with these questions/comments. My answers? "Yes", "I will", "When it is done", and "Not quite. So I have have a request (for me and others): Please, please, please stop asking when my dissertation will be done!!!!!! Seriously, the entire planet will know when I've finished!

While the former tactics caused embarrassment and shame rather the motivation, there was an aspect to the conference that did motivate me. Namely, the prospect of getting a job. While I've always known that I'd be working after i finished, this particular conference (since so many friends were interviewing) really hit home with me. I want a job! I need to finish my dissertation to get a job! So, lets get going!

I did not do the job placement myself, mostly due to not being in a great place with my dissertation to pursue a full-time big girl job. Once my data is collected however, that will be an appropriate time to start really looking for employment.

Switching topics a bit, I mentioned earlier in the post that I was supposed to get home on Sunday instead of yesterday. The flight I scheduled to be on was oversold. Vouchers for future travel were being offered, first $100, then $150. I volunteered, but I've done so before and never got a chance to be bumped.

I did in fact get chosen. I figured that I'd be on the next flight, which left at 6pm (my original flight left at 4pm). Turns out the next flight that had room was at 6am yesterday. And they'd put me up in a hotel (the Hilton at the airport - very nice!), give me some food vouchers, and a voucher for $200 of my next Continental flight. Score!!!!! Sometimes being ABD and having no set schedule does pay off. So I got home yesterday morning with plans for another trip :-)

So I'm off to work on my dissertation - I have a feeling I'll be making a lot of progress :-)

The aftermath of a few days away...

Sooo, I just got back from Tampa - I was visiting my wonderful SO. I had a good time, forgot about my responsibilities for 8 days. Then I came home. Everything that I'd left was waiting for me (of course).

I had planned on working on a presentation and my dissertation while I was gone. My SO was gone all day for work, so surely I could have cranked out a few hours of work. Welllll, I found other things more interesting, like Busch Gardens, the Dali Museum, local cuisine, and being lazy. So the 8 day came and went, with no progress on anything, except for seeing some sites and spending some quality time with my SO for the 1st time in 6 weeks.

At this time, I'm trying to catch up. I've got a presentation to give on Tuesday unrelated to my dissertation. And of course, the dissertation itself. But I'll be leaving again on Thursday for a conference. Granted, I'll probably be able to get in some presentation/posters that are related to my dissertation (hopefully none TOO related), but I know most of the time will be spent "networking". Which includes actual networking, but also a lot of catching up with old friends, drinking, and eating plenty of deep-dish pizza.

Time to get back to work - I need to get some more stuff done before my butt goes numb from sitting in this stupid chair from my dining room table. You'd think I would have invested in a proper office chair long ago; but no, my massive amount of education has made no impact on me procuring necessary office equipment for a suitable place to write.

Disappointment

How much does it suck to be for someone to be disappointed in you? Especially if you are already disappointed with yourself?

I've not been happy they way things have been going with my life and my dissertation. I am in an enormous amount of debt, and that will not be changing anytime soon. I long for the days in which I can start to make a dent in this avalanche of money that I owe.

My financial situation worsened this year, not having a job and all of the medical bill that needed to be paid. It is really hard to not be able to find a job and living on borrowed money. I will pay it back and I can't wait to pay it back. I don't want to owe anyone, credit card companies and student loan included. I want to work and pay my bills. I want to get to that point that I can actually save money (wow, what a concept!) and not feel so overwhelmed about my debt.

As for my dissertation, I could be doing better. I know that. I'm trying, but not as hard as I could be. I stare at my computer screen for hours, not making much progress. I avoid it by cleaning everything in sight. I know this.

Yet, all of this was pointed out to me (in an accusing manner) - the length of time I've spent in grad school, the snails-pace progress of the dissertation, and the mountain of debt I am in. It was done in a very accusing way, as if i was spending my money on clothing and shoes. I don't remember the last time I bought an article of clothing. Not even sure it was in the past year. I am paying to maintain my health, to eat, to pay my bills. I do not go out - for drinks, for dinner, really anywhere that requires money. It really, really disappointed me that this person (who I respect, admire, and love very much) would want to make me feel worse. This person knows that all of these things are on my mind and bother me very much. I don't know why he felt the need to remind me of what I already know. None of this motivates me. He knows this.

While this might be something "that parents do" it hurt me deeply. Especially since I could hear the disappointment in his voice for me, and the contempt of my situation. If I had a carefree attitude about my situations, this discussion may have been warranted. But I do not. I think about these things every single day, without exception. My parents have always said that I punish myself more than anyone else every could. And it is true. Why could he just have let me punish myself? I've been told by others that I'm doing an exemplary job of that.

To be fair, there is a lack of understanding on his part; he's not been through this process. It is hard to convince him that it's just not a paper I can sit down and write then be done with, graduate and get a job. There are so many more steps and components that I attempt to explain time after time, but they don't appear to sink in.

I'm going to try to put this aside for the day - my purpose in this post was to vent a little, get it out of my mind and putting my thoughts in writing.

Going the distance: Part II

So the last post detailed my meltdown :-P I've been feeling better since, especially since I'll probably get to visit in a couple of weeks :-)

There are a couple of reason as to why this separation has been more difficult than usual:

1) We have never lived near each other. Well, except for high school - when we weren't dating.

2) We're getting older (over 30) and it feels like there is so much that needs to be done (school, job, etc) before we can be together and settle down. There is so much that needs to be done and figured out. I don't know where I'll have a job and if he'll be in a position where he'll want to leave his job.

3) Although I'm happy for those who have their SOs close by/live with them/are married to them, it makes me insanely jealous. There, I said it. If you live with/near your SO, be grateful.

I know everything will be done on our own time, yet I still want him to be here with me. We're used to being apart for 2-3 weeks at a time and when I was in Germany last year it was 6 weeks. We made it, but we both had difficulty with it at times.

It isn't that bad most of the time. We do get used to spending time apart - if we didn't, we couldn't do this. A month at a time isn't terrible. Thinking about how much longer we'll be apart is much more difficult.

Long distance relationships can work if the desire and effort is there - we are proof of that.