Disappointment

How much does it suck to be for someone to be disappointed in you? Especially if you are already disappointed with yourself?

I've not been happy they way things have been going with my life and my dissertation. I am in an enormous amount of debt, and that will not be changing anytime soon. I long for the days in which I can start to make a dent in this avalanche of money that I owe.

My financial situation worsened this year, not having a job and all of the medical bill that needed to be paid. It is really hard to not be able to find a job and living on borrowed money. I will pay it back and I can't wait to pay it back. I don't want to owe anyone, credit card companies and student loan included. I want to work and pay my bills. I want to get to that point that I can actually save money (wow, what a concept!) and not feel so overwhelmed about my debt.

As for my dissertation, I could be doing better. I know that. I'm trying, but not as hard as I could be. I stare at my computer screen for hours, not making much progress. I avoid it by cleaning everything in sight. I know this.

Yet, all of this was pointed out to me (in an accusing manner) - the length of time I've spent in grad school, the snails-pace progress of the dissertation, and the mountain of debt I am in. It was done in a very accusing way, as if i was spending my money on clothing and shoes. I don't remember the last time I bought an article of clothing. Not even sure it was in the past year. I am paying to maintain my health, to eat, to pay my bills. I do not go out - for drinks, for dinner, really anywhere that requires money. It really, really disappointed me that this person (who I respect, admire, and love very much) would want to make me feel worse. This person knows that all of these things are on my mind and bother me very much. I don't know why he felt the need to remind me of what I already know. None of this motivates me. He knows this.

While this might be something "that parents do" it hurt me deeply. Especially since I could hear the disappointment in his voice for me, and the contempt of my situation. If I had a carefree attitude about my situations, this discussion may have been warranted. But I do not. I think about these things every single day, without exception. My parents have always said that I punish myself more than anyone else every could. And it is true. Why could he just have let me punish myself? I've been told by others that I'm doing an exemplary job of that.

To be fair, there is a lack of understanding on his part; he's not been through this process. It is hard to convince him that it's just not a paper I can sit down and write then be done with, graduate and get a job. There are so many more steps and components that I attempt to explain time after time, but they don't appear to sink in.

I'm going to try to put this aside for the day - my purpose in this post was to vent a little, get it out of my mind and putting my thoughts in writing.

Going the distance: Part II

So the last post detailed my meltdown :-P I've been feeling better since, especially since I'll probably get to visit in a couple of weeks :-)

There are a couple of reason as to why this separation has been more difficult than usual:

1) We have never lived near each other. Well, except for high school - when we weren't dating.

2) We're getting older (over 30) and it feels like there is so much that needs to be done (school, job, etc) before we can be together and settle down. There is so much that needs to be done and figured out. I don't know where I'll have a job and if he'll be in a position where he'll want to leave his job.

3) Although I'm happy for those who have their SOs close by/live with them/are married to them, it makes me insanely jealous. There, I said it. If you live with/near your SO, be grateful.

I know everything will be done on our own time, yet I still want him to be here with me. We're used to being apart for 2-3 weeks at a time and when I was in Germany last year it was 6 weeks. We made it, but we both had difficulty with it at times.

It isn't that bad most of the time. We do get used to spending time apart - if we didn't, we couldn't do this. A month at a time isn't terrible. Thinking about how much longer we'll be apart is much more difficult.

Long distance relationships can work if the desire and effort is there - we are proof of that.

We're going the distance.

So it seems to be that 3 weeks is about the time I can be away from the boyfriend before i start going crazy. Today I was a crying mess - I simply could not fathom being apart for so long. Not talking about Tampa, but we're likely to be in a long-distance relationship for another year +. When he gets back, he'll still be 3 1/2 hrs away. That's rather depressing.

However, I'm trying to remember that I'll see him in a couple of weeks. And that I'm feeling worse about the distance than I normally would because I'm not feeling great, eating well or sleeping well.

I'm going to try to take it (and everything else) a day at a time. Ultimately, we are very lucky to have each other even if we can't spend as much time together as we'd like.

Hommage an deutschen Kaffee

I used to abstain from caffeine. It made me feel awful after 30 minutes - 4 hrs after I drank it. One cup of coffee would be enough to get me feeling like I had drank a 40 of espresso. But something has changed....and it's incredible. I have a new appreciation for this drug. A huge appreciation.

No longer cranky in the morning (ok, less cranky) I function at a decent speed and strangely enough, I sleep better. I still get caffeine crashes, but no longer feel like I have the flu when I'm crashing. I get tired, a little nauseous, sometimes a little shaky. All worth the productivity caffeine gives me. The cost-benefit scale has tipped the way of "benefit"

The coffee drinking began in earnest while I was in Germany. Due to the jet-lag and the 6 hour time difference, it was an absolute necessity to have some caffeine. Not being a morning person to begin with, getting to work at 9am felt like 3am. Ridiculousness. My coworkers used to smile when they saw me shuffle in, barely managing a "Guten Morgen". I went to the coffee machine straight away - I didn't even remove my hat, gloves, scarf or coat before I got my fix.

And the coffee maker? Twas a thing of beauty. It ground whole beans, brewed with filtered water and sported a dial to choose the strength you wanted - from espresso to the strength of regular coffee. Choose the amount you wanted and you could make a perfect cup. It was almost creamy, that's how high quality the coffee was. Nothing I've had since can compare to that coffee. Nothing. In the afternoon, we'd often make latte macchiatos; steaming milk to perfection, then adding the espresso on top (latte macchiato means "marked milk" - that's why the espresso was added 2nd). Absolute heaven.

On the last day, I whispered "Auf Wiedersehen" as I brewed my final cup.

Today, I sit sipping the product of my Mr. Coffee. It seems like a different beverage entirely. But it'll do...for today.

Call me Miss Crankypants

So cranky today. Even after caffeine. I don't feel like doing anything, I don't really feel like talking to anyone and I'm in just enough pain to be annoying. Note that I wrote annoying and not excruciating :-)

I've had some pain at night the last couple of nights and I took some pain medication even though I hate to do it and it wasn't too bad. I just get afraid that it will get out of control like a few weeks ago. I won't take anything today - I seem to do better during the day than at night. I worry about needing the medication often and being addicted to it, although I only take it once or twice a week at most. I've gone several weeks at a time without taking any. Not that I didn't have pain in those few weeks, but I did not allow myself to take any medication.

As for the dissertation, I had a really good day working on Sunday - as I usually do because I dissertate with a friend whilst drinking overpriced coffee. Not too much done on Monday, but it was something. Yesterday - nada. I'm at the point where I need to work on Chapter III, which has me rather stumped. I'm not so familiar with the research design and I'm having trouble adapting it to my study. I know I can ask questions, but I'm not even to the point where I know what to ask. I really need to immerse myself in the policy capturing literature - specifically studies that use it, as well as some of the how-to articles.

The research design and analysis is my stumbling block. I'm confused and not enjoying it. But I know everything will make more sense and things will start falling into place. Trying to focus on that....