Is this what other people’s days are like?

I've been ridiculously productive in the last couple of days. Today, I finished everything I intended to – including working out, grocery shopping besides the dissertation stuff. Meeting is tomorrow, and I'm ready. It's nice to have a meeting that I feel ready for. I just have to reorganize some stuff and I'm good.

I love feeling like I'm actually getting stuff done. In grad school it seems that NOTHING is ever "done". There is never a real break, where there's nothing that we should be doing. If not classes, it's theses or dissertations, other projects….etc.

I love days like these! I hope they continue….I'm going to do my best.

Never fails…

I'm supposed to be in Detroit right now. Where am I? My apartment. Why?

Several reasons. Just got an email asking about meeting…on Monday. Yikes. Not so compatible for the weekend of fun that was planned. However, this is my own fault. I've been procrastinating all week, thinking the meeting would be later on in the week. Eek.

Second reason: I had an allergic reaction to mangoes. Yep. Turns the mangoes are in the same family as poison ivy. I'm very allergic to poison ivy. So my lips and all around my mouth are red. And itchy. It's not pretty. Hopped up on Benadryl now. Did make me sleepy, but last does made me a little wired.

I'm going to try to do as much work as possible and leave tomorrow. Hopefully this will work out. I haven't been back to Detroit in about 5 months.

Work, work, work!

Still here…but no one else is

Currently I'm sitting in my office. Door shut, only the desk lamp on. I no longer have a window to the outdoors, so it's like a cave. I like it.

I was in quite the good mood earlier this morning. I actually went to bed at a decent time (midnightish) and woke up at a decent time (7:30). I got to school at 9:30ish and started working. I still had to enter grades for the semester (it's a process). I did so and in the process saw one of my classmates who had just graduated. I am so happy for him!!! Also, 2 other members of my cohort graduated this semester as well. It's amazing how we started as 1^st years…and now they have their PhDs.

I was not thinking about this at all when I was walking back to my office after entering grades. I was thinking about how I was going to structure my day and which part of the dissertation I was going to work on. I got into my office ---and I saw it; "It" being my (former) officemate's empty desk. There is absolutely nothing on the desk. She's moved out.

I burst into tears before my mind even processed it. My officemate was never in while I was there anyway. I rarely saw her. But the empty desk was evidence that she is gone; getting on with her life. I was not. Or so it feels.

I know quite well this is my own doing; the only person that holds me back is me. I've been pretty good about just working on the dissertation lately and not comparing myself to others, or thinking about my past mistakes/laziness.

Hence, the door is closed. I've had similar reactions the last few times I was in my office, but just a few tears and I got on with my work. I could not stop this time. I told myself I'll give myself 5 minutes to be sad; to cry it all out then get back to work. That didn't work. So I said 10. Still couldn't read the words on the computer screen through my tears. I cried for a half-hour. And now I'm tearing up again.

I feel like I'm overreacting. I knew this was coming. I'd dealt with it already…or so I thought. I'm happy for what my classmates have accomplished!!!! I truly am. Why can't I focus on their gains instead of my loss? This is a very positive event. I should think of it as such. I need to separate myself from thinking that I wish I was there. I'm not, but so what? My friends have their PhD!!! That is an awesome thing. I need to figure myself out of the equation.

I'd really like to get out of my office for a bit. However, I'd like to not look like I'm crying. The asking of "what's wrong?" would bring another flood of tears. Perhaps I could claim allergies?

Damn, I'm really sick of crying in my office.

Let’s just go with this for now….

So I've been pretty bad about posting. I've been working fairly hard on my dissertation and wrapping up the end of the semester of teaching. I've still had difficulty nailing down my specific design and hypotheses. Still.

I've got a good deal of anxiety going lately; dissertation related for the most part, but I'm sure some other random life stresses have contributed. Thus, I've just been working on the lit review (for the sections I know are going to be there). Not the most efficient way to do it, but I can work on it without staring blankly at the screen for hours. Or freaking out. I don't know why I have so much anxiety with writing my dissertation. So I figure that working on it in some way (even if not the best) is better than nothing. I'm not so sure my advisor is in agreement, but if I can just get over this anxiety thing, I'll be able to nail things down and really get moving. Or so is my goal.

Been doing yoga the last few days and it is really helping with the anxiety. I actually did a couple of sun salutations in my office the other day. Felt kinda weird, but it relaxed me. Whatever works, right?